Tales from theatre land - well Bishop's Stortford anyway

I used to work for a local council run theatre, which was quite small - only a 300 seater. My  job was Marketing Manager but I often covered the front desk, and box office.  I have recently been reading a great blog called My So Called Life in a Box which is written by a girl who works in the Box Office in Leicester Square - she is really hilarious about the people she has to deal with and the questions she gets asked. You ought to go and read it!   It made me think of some of the things that I experienced in my 6 years working at a theatre, so thought I would share them with you....

So in my time I have been...

A Parking Attendant
I was working behind the front desk in the theatre and on the phone to a customer... when a woman comes in and marches up to the counter
Customer:  THERE'S NO PARKING!!!  (bellowing in my face!)
Me: (Motioning I am on the phone) "Excuse me I'll help you in a moment I'm just talking to a customer..."
Customer: (rudely ignoring me, bellows again) THERE'S NO PARKING - ITS RIDICULOUS, CAN'T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?!!!"
Me: Oh ok, I'm so sorry, give me five minues and I'll come out there, move two cars with my bare hands, and then lie down in the space for you so you can park your car shall I?

An Expert on other People's Children
Me: (on phone) Hello, how can I help?
Customer: Hi, can you tell me if the pantomime is scary?  Would my three year old be frightened?
Me: I have absolutely no idea - have I met your three year old?  Am I an expert in your child?  So how the bloody hell am I supposed to know what they would find it scary...you're their mother what do you think?

Well, on second thoughts, this probably would frighten small children

A Placator of Other People's Children
Me: Hello, how can I help you on this bright and Christmassy December morning?"
Customer:  Look, this is going to sound really wierd, but my friend's daughter came to see the pantomime and she has not been able to sleep since as she was so frightened of the witch puppet.  My friend is at her wits end...she has not had any sleep for several days.  What could you do to help?
Me: Give her a tot of whiskey?
Customer:  I mean, umm, could you take a picture of someone with the puppet with its head off to show her its not a real witch?
Me: So, you want me to take a picture of a headless witch puppet - are you sure that is not going to be scarier?
Customer: I think it could really help her
Me: Ok, I'll see what I can do *sigh*

And for the record I did take the picture and send it to her but have no idea if it helped as she never contacted me again so the child either died of fright or recovered but with a severe paranoia about puppets that will last her through to her adulthood.

Serioulsy what is scary about this?  I'm joking - this is NOT the one we used

An Expert on Fairy Stories
Customer:  We came to see the pantomime Jack and the Beanstalk and we were horrified by the costumes the children were wearing in the second act.  Their pajamas looked like concentration camp costumes and they were being put into an oven...surely this was in very bad taste?  It's really not appropriate for children to be put in an oven and my grandchildren found it very scary."
Me: Ummm have you ever been to a pantomime before?
Customer: Yes, several times
Me: Have you ever read Jack and the Beanstalk?
Customer: Yes
Me: Then you will know that 1) there is a giant in it that eats children, animals and people2) Its not actually real 3)Most fairy stories are far worse than this - I mean look at Hansel and Gretel, Red Riding Hood, Rumplestiltskin?  Don't blame me, blame the Brother's Grimm!

I really must see if this is on Netflix?

For the record they got their money back. There's just no pleasing some people. Oh yes there is, oh no there isnt!

Expert at deflecting any complaint
Customer:  It's far too hot in the auditorium
Me: Ok, I'll turn the air conditioning up a bit
Customer no 2:  It's freezing in the auditorium
Me: Ok, I'll just turn the air conditioning down a bit
Customer: The seats are really uncomfortable
Me: Ok, let me just fetch you a soft downy pillow for your very sensitive behind
Customer: Why aren't there more toilets?
Me: God knows
Customer: My child's been sick in the foyer,
Me: (shouting) DUTY MANAGER!!!!
Cusotmer: Why isn't there more parking?
Me: Look, we've been through this about twenty million times, because no-one actually planned this place, the council just plonked something down and then thought about it afterwards.

So there you have it - any amusing stories you would like to share with me of your experiences of cusotmer service in the theatre??? Or elsewhere?  And please don't rant at me about transaction fees - I don't think they are right either and I used to have to justify them to everyone all day long!!